Sunday, May 1, 2016

On Second Sight

The more I think on things, the more I convince myself that she knew it was her time.

In our relationship, while I was the Healer, she was definitely the Seer.  Despite not going quite as far as identifying as Pagan with me (she would always shun the label, and just say that she was "spiritual" and not "religious"), and despite that I was the one who would read Tarot for us (or at least try to), I realized early on in our life together that her Second Sight was much more keen than mine.

I learned to trust her feelings on timing, like when to leave for work:  She would occasionally pressure me to leave for work very early, like over 30 minutes earlier than I would usually need to.  I would do it, and without fail there would be some sort of traffic snarl that usually hadn't even happened yet when she got her 'feeling', and I would be the only one to get there on time.
I learned to trust her feelings on the weather; sometimes she would make me carry an umbrella to walk the dog, even though the sun was shining, only for there to be an unforecasted rain shower while I was out.
She always just knew.  She would be apologetic, saying she knew she was just being weird, but she just had a feeling and better to be safe than sorry.

So then, when I think on our life together, I think of how, about three years ago, she suddenly became insistent that we needed to be married right away, and she needed to get copies of her birth certificate and her military discharge papers.  She started talking about how we should get to an attorney so we could make wills, which unfortunately we never did.
And it seems like it was also along about that time where she started always wanting to make sure we had as much time together as we could possibly have.  When I was planning a shopping trip, she would ask if there was anything I had to get that day, or if I could wait and just stay home with her.  If I started cleaning the house, she would tell me I could do that stuff later, and she wanted me to come sit with her instead of working.  She even stopped wanting to sleep in in the mornings even though her insomnia during the night was as bad as ever; she wanted to get up so I would come out and be with her.  She wanted every last moment she could have, as if she knew there weren't going to be enough of them.

And if it were true that she had a premonition and knew her time was near, I think she would have acted exactly the way she did.  I think she wouldn't have told me, because she would know that would change things; she wouldn't have wanted me to put her in a hospital to try to save her, because that would mean less time at home together, and she would have wanted me to be happy; maybe she even had a 'feeling' it wouldn't change anything.  She wouldn't have wanted me to be upset during the small amount of time we had, she would have wanted us to be happy together as long as she was here, and have as many happy moments as we could possibly have.  And that is what happened.

In a way, it is kind of a comfort.  It means I don't have to keep beating myself up over all the things I might have neglected, or all the things I could have, should have done.  Because if I think she knew, and if I think she faced it exactly the way she wanted to, then how can I tell myself I should have taken that away from her?

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