So back at the beginning of the year I started identifying as polyamorous, which isn't wrong exactly, but it also feels like identifying that way can create a lot of misconceptions about how much I prioritize sex.
Relationship Anarchy is actually much closer to being right than 'polyamorous'; it's still under the poly 'umbrella' but encompasses the idea that sex doesn't play into how important a relationship is. Not nearly as many people have heard of this term, which has the negative that I almost always need to explain what it means, and the positive that there aren't as many misconceptions.
More recently, I'm settling into believing that rather than being lesbian, I am actually a demisexual, and that seems like it is the piece that was missing.
One of the things that surprised me a little, after Joanne passed, was that the idea that I might not have sex again for a very long time (if ever) really didn't affect me that much, and certainly didn't inspire the kind of existential dread that lack-of-sex seems to cause others. Even when the time came around where I could say (brag? whine?) that it had been "over three years since I had sex"; if I'm being honest, it felt a little disingenuous for me to mention it as if it were a problem that I wanted to have solved, when in reality I wasn't all that worried about it.
I've actually never started a relationship where sex or physical intimacy was the goal; I'm honestly not sure I could if I tried. I'm drawn to people because of shared interests. I'm drawn to people who can make me think, who can inspire me. I'm very drawn to other people who are open with their feelings. I'm drawn to people who don't make me feel tired when I'm around them. I'm drawn to people who make me feel needed (this one can be dangerous). Heck, I can even be drawn to people who just like eating my cooking, that's probably enough to get you a dinner invite.
Once I make a trust connection with a person, then I start feeling attracted to them. I'm very attracted to people who I feel safe with. And I start wanting to explore as many different kinds of intimacy within that relationship as I can, whether it's the intellectual intimacy of exploring big ideas together, the emotional intimacy of being able to share feelings and hopes and fears and joys and sorrows... and yes, the physical intimacy of holding hands, hugs, leaning on each other, all the way up to cuddling or more.
Each relationship finds its own level of intimacy in all of those things, and it's natural and beautiful. And because the trust connection has to exist, it all needs to be very consensual; my biggest "turn-off" is not feeling sure the other person wants whatever it is we are doing--and that applies to all the kinds of intimacy, not just physical stuff. It might even be why I tend not to continue a thought if I get interrupted, since the interruption makes it feel like the other person didn't want to hear what I was saying.
In the end I know the labels aren't important by themselves, they're only as valuable as how well they communicate who I really am. But maybe that's why it's important to me to find the right ones.
