Thursday, January 26, 2017
I think maybe I will take a moment to apologize and try to explain to my friends, if I seem uncomfortably dark at times. The thing is, I've been having some vivid and disturbing premonitions, for at least the past year. They're hard to describe, like little flashes of things. I get why people call it "the third eye" now, though... it's like actually seeing things right in front of me, except I can tell I'm not seeing them with my actual eyes, I'm seeing them with... something else.
I knew well before April that Donald J. Trump would be our next president; I know it was that far back because I remember having conversations with Joanne about it (she didn't believe me, or at least, didn't want to believe me). But I knew it, because I had seen it, in little flashes.
Later in the year (maybe around June?) I started seeing flashes of my own death by violence. It was giving me serious anxiety issues, but I made myself imagine it was just some sort of side-effect from grief--until November 8th. Election day was a very creepy string of déjà-vu moments; and to me, it validated all the 'little flashes,' the premonitions, not just the ones about the election.
Maybe that's why I got myself so drunk that night: While everyone else was struggling with, "how could this happen," I was dealing not only with, "I didn't want to be right about this, I didn't want it to be real," but also, "I can't believe this means I'm really going to get shot to death soon."
Most disturbingly, in the past few weeks there have been a few premonitions that feel like there will be a war. Buildings, unfamiliar ones, damaged or burned. Seeing-but-not-really-seeing fighter planes or bombers in the air. Soldiers, in what feels like downtown Seattle. It's all too vague and blurry so far but it feels really bad.
There are smaller ones too; today I was out with a friend and the 'third eye' started insistently and repeatedly showing me split-second "flashes" of blood splattering across my glasses. I suspect she must have been getting really irritated with me being all paranoid about her safety. Then it stopped and it felt like that wasn't going to happen after all, and I think we both had a better time after that.
Does that mean I changed or prevented something bad that could have happened? I read things that say the third eye shows you "what might be," or potential outcomes. I hope that's true. I've focused hard on self-protection stuff recently, and I feel like it may have changed the visions that are about my death too; while I still see myself being killed, it no longer feels like it will be for nothing, it feels like maybe I will be protecting people.
Oh....or actually... do I still die? I see, pulling my hand away from my own chest and seeing it covered with blood. Am I dying? Or just wounded? There are other people here; in recent premonitions, like this one, they aren't dead anymore, I feel their grief and worry, but also a sense of relief. Even seeing it, it's so hard to really, really know anything, from such a brief flash.
The funny thing is, I was never much of a Seer before. I would try to read Tarot cards and such, but never really felt like anything all that magical was happening. I thought I wanted to be able to do it; I was envious of Joanne and how she always seemed to 'just know things.' Now it feels like I suddenly have it--like my "third eye" has suddenly opened--and I'm really starting to wish I knew how to turn it back off.
Besides, why does it have to be all horrible scary stuff? Why can't it be, like, winning lottery numbers or something?