Apologies to my sister for plagiarizing her old screen name for the title of this post; it seemed short, catchy, and appropriate to the subject.
As people around me have doubtless noticed, I've been off in a dark mood lately. After yesterday's visit to Joanne's shrine at the columbarium, though, I think that is changing. I had considered trying to message Jill to see if she wanted to meet with me while I was there, but I let time get away and didn't end up doing it; I think it was actually for the best for the trip (dare I call it a pilgrimage?) to be just about me and Jo, to be able to sit and have a quiet time to try to commune with her, and not be worried about what time it was getting to be or any of that. I feel like it renewed and re-strengthened my connection with her.
I'm happy to be 'back into the light' for now, but I sort of have this feeling like it's my destiny to go back and forth between the darkness and the light for the rest of my life. For the past couple of weeks, during my dark mood, I've said to myself over and over again that I feel like I have died already. To an extent, it's true; while it's hopefully obvious I'm not literally dead, an important piece of me did die, back in April. And a decade before that, I did experience what would be described as a "near-death experience." So while I haven't truly died, it does feel like I have a bit of experience with it.
It gets me thinking, it feels like it's my lot in this life to be 'in between worlds' on a lot of different things: Alive, but having experienced death. Female, but having experienced living as male. Pagan, but having experienced being Christian. Maybe it's why that image of the asymmetrical being, the One-Winged Angel, light on one side and dark on the other, has always resonated with me.
(As an aside, I think it's interesting that the "dark side" is called the Left Hand Path in modern occultism; whenever I visualize myself as the dichotomous being, the "light half" is always on the left and the "dark half" is on the right. It's probably just because I'm left-handed though.)
Spirituality, especially earth-based, Pagan spirituality, does seem to revere the dichotomy; light and dark, day and night, sun and moon, fire and water, wind and earth. The Wiccan 'Charge of the Star Goddess' asks for the blessings of "beauty, yet strength; power, yet compassion; honor, yet humility; mirth, yet reverence;" all these are dichotomous phrases, and it is meant that the ideal is to possess both at once.
So maybe, hopefully, there is strength and not weakness in existing on both sides at once, the way I seem to be?