Moonless

New Moon tonight.  I think I'm back to wandering the Dark Black Forest again, and there will be no moonlight to save me this time.

The extended time off from work has probably been a good thing, as good as a thing can be these days.  I've been having violent mood swings though.  It's enough to make me question my sanity.

Thanks to Facebook "Memories to Look Back On Today", I ended up delving off into some stuff from six years ago, personal private stuff that was between Joanne and me while we were already a couple but separated by distance.  It is funny how we became so inseparable in just a week of being together in person; I think we were both grieving the loss of the other one while we were apart.  The long distance relationship was hard.

I've been saying I'm not in denial, but maybe I'm in denial about being in denial.  I mean, I know with my intellect that she isn't coming back.  But it doesn't feel like she's not coming back.  It feels more like it did six years ago, where we were very much a couple but just weren't together right now.  It feels like I am still in a relationship with her.  I guess I am still in a relationship with her.  Maybe I always will be.

Then I of course fall off into the rabbit hole of thinking that, you know, we talked about a lot of things during that long-distance part of our relationship, and once we were together, it seems like things were different than we had imagined, and a lot of the things we talked about never happened.  And I end up thinking to myself, I hope I didn't disappoint her too badly.  I hope I was really as perfect for her as she was for me.

She believed in reincarnation (as do I); she felt strongly that she had seen visions of our previous lives together and she often talked about them.  She thought I was always a woman, but she went back and forth between being male and being female over the course of our lifetimes, and until now things had always happened (I drowned, she drowned, I was a geisha and couldn't marry her, I was a witch and got burned at the stake, she was an airman and was killed at Pearl Harbor, etc.) where we never had long enough together.

We didn't have long enough this time either.

But I try to take comfort in the fact that if she thought that I was her one true Special Someone who had shared multiple lifetimes with her, if we had conversations together about how we wanted our next life together to be, then she must not have been so disappointed with me.