Today (tonight, and until sunset tomorrow) is the Full Blessing Moon. I have to admit the name of this moon holds no meaning for me right now; the concept of "counting blessings" or looking for "silver linings" or the like just sounds like the type of irritating platitudes that would make me want to cut someone's thread, and not anything that would be useful or inspirational during grief.
However, because it was a Full Moon, it was an auspicious time for me to go bring our niche "up to code." As it turns out, one of the items I put in our niche to represent Joanne wasn't technically allowable by the columbarium rules; the Hummel 'Her Guardian Angel' print was made of paper, which would have deteriorated and thus been less than permanent. At first I was very upset and hurt by this, but Joanne's sister told me about some other Hummel items that were also very important to Jo; they had been her mother's, and were the one thing that Jo was insistent that she got when her mother passed. So, today I removed the Guardian Angel, and placed her Apple Tree Boy & Girl figurines.
Even though I still found it difficult and painful to reach into this sacred space and disturb it--I tried to do it in as ritualistic and reverent a way as I could, and I still felt the need to apologize to Jo as I was removing her Angel--in a way, I might have to admit it might look better this way. It looks a little more balanced, I think, and the figurines aren't quite as hidden behind the urn as the print was.
Joanne was a firm believer that everything happened for a reason. From anyone else that would be yet another of those above-mentioned irritating platitudes, but from her, it felt like it was true. So, I was thinking back to when our relationship was just starting; I still lived in Missouri, she hadn't even met me in person yet, and I had just lost my job. She wanted to give me something that would protect me, so she took her Guardian Angel, the one she'd had her entire life, and boxed it up and mailed it to me. She was perfectly serious that it was obviously going to protect me, too; for her, that item held great power, just like I talked about her relic in the last entry. And when I was going through a hard time, she wanted me to have that power and that protection, even though it meant she would be without it.
Looking back, that 'hard time' of losing that job seems insignificant compared to how hard it is to have lost her. I could imagine that if she wanted me to have her sacred item back then, then if she were able to, she would probably want to box it up and send it to me now as well.
And now, it's back home, next to my bed. Our bed.
I swear I can almost hear her telling me that this happened for a reason, that it is the way it was meant to be after all.
If anyone else said it to me, it'd piss me off. But if she says it, I guess it has to be true.