Into the Dark Black Forest

I understand more, now, why I felt solitary this morning, why I couldn't make myself leave home.

I woke up early again this morning, at 5:30, despite staying up late last night.  I thought about making myself stay in bed just to try for more sleep, but I could tell it wasn't going to happen and all I felt was stiff and uncomfortable.  I don't think I've been able to sleep past 7:00 even once since she passed.

Once I decided I wasn't going anywhere, I tried to get myself organized by making a list of stuff I should work on--cleaning in the kitchen, organizing in the file cabinet, putting together a grocery list, trimming the puppy's nails (and maybe doing mine too)...

I was taken aback this morning by how much I hurt today.  My legs ache, my back is stiff, my shoulders are sore.  I feel old.  I feel like I've aged fifteen years in just a couple of months.

Looking back, I should have seen the wave coming.

But I didn't, so I surprised myself when I had one of those 'tsunami of grief' moments--crying, collapsing on the couch, wailing and screaming, sobbing.  Energies I had saved up leaking away, spilling out of new cracks.
That hadn't happened for a month or so.  I had been hoping I had moved to the 'next stage' but I guess I knew it wasn't that simple, wasn't that linear.

Bodie has been clingy since then.  He doesn't like when it seems like there's something wrong with his mommy.  He's going to have a tough weekend anyway.  Fourth of July sucks.

Not much has gotten crossed off of the list, although the Kitchen did come to life a little bit.  I made myself hashbrowns for the first time since I've been alone; that might have been the trigger, especially since they turned out so well, I thought it was a shame she never got to try my hashbrowns made in the new All-Clad skillet.  I've resisted the urge to order pizza again, and I'm making some tacos and Mexican rice instead.  That is something, I suppose.

Oh well.  It's a holiday weekend, and tomorrow is also the New Moon.  I have three more days off before I go back.  Things will happen as they happen.  I think it's starting to sink in that there are parts of this process that can't be speeded up, that have to come in their time.

The night lasts as long as it lasts, and no amount of effort will bring the sun any sooner.

Better to just accept the darkness, and look to the moon and the stars.