Independence Day

I want to try everything

even though I could fail

even though I could get hurt

even though I might learn it's not right for me

I'll never really know unless I try

I'll never really succeed

if I never really risk failing

I want to push through the low self-worth

find my worth, claim it

cherish it

I want to say yes to friends more

be places I might get asked more

go out with friends more

invite friends more

Dare to throw a party

even though no-one might come

I want to learn to swim

Even though I am scared of the water

Go to the fair

Go to a ball game

Go to a concert

Even though I am scared of the crowds

I want to be with people

who make it feel safe

to risk embarrassing myself

maybe even a little fun

to risk embarrassing myself

People who love me

I don't want to leave

until I've tried everything

even though I could fail

--j.r.m.b

Potential

There is a seed

that is yet to sprout

There is a flower

that is yet to open

There are wings

that are yet to be tested

There is a spark

that is yet to light its flame

There is a spring

that is yet to carve its river

There is a Star

that is yet to become a Sun

O Lord, O Lady, Great Divine

May I have courage, may I have strength

to

let go

and allow

the possibilities

to become

reality

--j.r.m.b.

Resuscitation

I was going to make another Facebook status update, but I decided it felt right to come dust this off and write here instead.  I may write here in place of Facebook more often, now; I think I often like to write longer and deeper entries than the Facebook platform is really for.  And that's not even considering the recent "trust issues" surrounding that site.
So, the past few months in a nutshell (which will not be news to people who are connected to me on Facebook) is that I got referred by my doctor to a sleep specialist, got diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, spent a month waiting for insurance to approve treatment, and have now been on APAP therapy for two weeks.  I'm doing very well with it as far as adjusting to sleeping with the equipment, and it's really helping with the severe chronic fatigue I was suffering from.

Now that I'm really starting to feel better, I feel like I'm at a bit of an impasse, or maybe "crossroads" would be a better word.  Maybe it's that I'm not taking this energy for granted, right now, so it feels like a momentous decision when I'm thinking about how I'll want to spend it.  I've given a lot of thought toward getting serious about starting to sell on eBay again, both to declutter and let go of things that don't fit anymore, and also in connection with my new numismatic hobby.
I've also been feeling, though, that I'd like to focus on simple things, especially at first.  Just working on getting the house and the yard back in order, after letting things go while I wasn't feeling well, will feel nice, I think.
I'm also thinking I'd like to get back to cooking for myself; the thought just occurred to me tonight, I'll really be re-learning how to cook, this time cooking for one.  Maybe it was a blessing in disguise to be out of the Kitchen for a while, so it will be a new beginning, instead of trying to adapt what worked when I was cooking for two.

And because I decided to write here, I ended up re-reading my last entry, which this one seems to connect with perfectly.  Ultimately, I don't want to pick the one thing from the list that I want to do, I want to balance things to create a nice, simple, and fulfilling life for myself.  That said, I think I often make ambitious plans for myself; I think I will just need to make sure I ease my way into things so I can find where that balance point is.  I can't go too far wrong with cleaning the house, of course, except by overdoing it; it didn't get this way in a day and I can fix it gradually, too.  I don't have to create a whole bunch of eBay listings, I can start with one or two auctions just to get the confidence going again.  I can find some simple recipes to make on days off, I don't have to jump straight into cooking every night no matter what.

I guess this means I'm at the same place I was a few months ago, just with enough energy to have a chance of getting it done.  I just have to pace myself.  It's funny, I can be extremely patient, in most ways, but not with things like this--I end up thinking of the girl from the Willy Wonka movie, "I want it now!"
I probably still haven't even gotten the full effects of the sleep apnea treatment yet, honestly, so I know taking everything slow and steady would be sensible.  But, to quote another kids' movie, "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."  Who knows though, maybe I will surprise myself this time.

Nesting in the Tree with Strong Roots

Every time I decide it's time to write here, I get a little surprised at how long it's been.  I don't suppose it's good or bad, though; I certainly don't want to think of it as an obligation.  If I need to write, then I will.
And since this is my first time of the year writing here, it's certainly not too late to talk about New Year's stuff, even if we are two weeks in.

I've been thinking a lot about goals, recently.  Mostly about how it feels nice to be starting to even want them again, after Joanne passed, but getting past that, thinking about what they should be.  Right now, I'm imagining that my real goal for this year should be to create balance.  I feel like I want to work on "nesting," this year, giving myself a place where the roots sink deep into the ground.  Not that I won't still flow back and forth, because I have to be what I am, but to find the center so I can keep from going off course.

Right after Joanne passed away, I think my "hobby" was investing, for a while.  I inherited her retirement savings, and the whole concept of having a net worth (one that wasn't a negative number, at least) was new and exciting to me.  I wanted to learn all about how stocks worked, and do everything I could to make sure I was a good steward of Joanne's savings, to make sure it kept growing and would be there to provide for me, like she always said she wished she could do.  And I did have a goal in mind, thinking it would be good to be able to retire at 57 and 11 months--the age she was when she passed--which, coincidentally, would have me retiring on her 73rd birthday, in 2031.
But of course, that can't be everything.  The question I never asked myself then was, "And then what?"

Since then, I've been off on other things:  I relived my childhood a little and bought toys, for a while.  I got myself all into self-protection and learning how to shoot, for a year or so.  I turned irritation with busy stores into a goal of stocking enough food to avoid shopping during next year's holiday season.  Most recently, I let a decision to diversify my savings with bullion coins turn into an infatuation with round shiny objects.
The common thread with all of those, is that I have a tendency to make each one of them "all there is," while they're the New Thing.  But of course, none of those things can be everything, either.

I want my goal this year to be to fit those things together.  It feels like they should fit together.  The coins feel like they should fit into the investing; the investing and the self-protection feel like they should fit into the preparedness.  (The expensive and space-consuming Japanese toys can probably go on eBay, which will make them fit into the investing too.)

Then, if I can get things fitting together without focusing too much on one single piece, maybe I can find other things that fit, too.  Finally get back to doing some crafting, and finishing some cross-stitch projects?  Maybe try my hand at gardening?  Even just finding an enjoyable way to donate time to my church.  But first, I need to make the foundation--I need to build that nest, in the tree with the strong roots--so that those things have a strong base to stand on, and fit with, and won't fall apart as soon as I'm on to the next thing, anymore.