Reclusive

I'm feeling very withdrawn and reclusive this weekend; other than a possible trip to the grocery store, I rather doubt I'm going to go anywhere.  Probably not even to Facebook.

When I think about it, it seems strange that I write here when I'm feeling more private, because since I never make public posts on Facebook, it is arguably far more private than this blog, which is fully accessible to anyone who finds it.  I think it comes down to the expectations; Facebook is a "social media" site, so when I put something there, there's the expectation that the social circle will see it and give it little 'thumbs up' or 'heart' symbols or maybe type a little comment.  I can put something here with the expectation that nobody but me has to ever see it; and if someone does find it, and read it, and hopefully get something out of it, there's still no unspoken 'obligation' for them to say anything to me about it (although they could if they wished).

It also seems telling to me that the times when I feel withdrawn and reclusive are also the times I feel the most spiritual--and following from that, it is very interesting to me that it seems the times I am feeling the most spiritual are also the times I am least likely to want to go to church.

I think it's because, for me, spirituality is a very personal and private thing; it's something I can only fully experience alone.  (I knew I had really found my one true soulmate when I realized that I was able to feel spiritual 'together' with Joanne.  Being with her was very much like "alone time.")  A spiritually fulfilling day for me is the day where I stay at home, light candles, put on my apron, put my Cauldron on the stove and get a big pot of chicken stock (or something) started, and just be in my Kitchen, and my Cottage, all day.  And it's the quiet times in the days like this when I feel like I can reach across to the other side, and have a conversation with my love, who is no longer here physically, but spiritually still is.

I suppose that, even though it sounds backwards, it's really no true mystery.  Going to church is a very social thing.  Even for a progressive non-dogmatic church like the Unitarian Universalists, going to church is religious, not spiritual.  You get together to share ideas about how to find your spirituality, or how to express it, or to join with others to do the positive things in the world that your spirituality draws you to do.  But you don't go there to be spiritual while you're there.  (Or at least, I can't.  Maybe there are people who can be social and spiritual at the same time; maybe those people get something different out of it than I do.)
So if I'm feeling the need to be spiritual, this weekend--the need to draw down the spiritual energy, to recharge, and once again become a Force of Nature--then that is what I will have to do, and then I can go back out into the world once I am ready again.