Friday, June 10, 2016

Going Forward

So I started off the week a little bit rough; as someone I know from a former life in Missouri might say, I "decided to suck on the pity titty."  You know, I've been acting like I didn't see the outcome coming, and maybe I was a little taken aback by just how fast/early I got out of control, but if I'm really, really honest with myself, I was probably trying to get drunk, before I ever poured the first one.  And never doubt that a witch will accomplish whatever she puts her mind to--if I wanted to be drunk, then drunk is what I became.

I think I'm finally finished with that subject now; I've been processing it all this week, and I think I realize that actually, no, I'm not the victim of some addiction I can't control, it was just a decision I made.  If I didn't like it, I can choose differently next time.  And that's as easy as that is.

From there, I made good progress on the administrative front; I think there's only a couple more big things to do, and then the rest will be the little "we're sorry for your loss" calls as things like utilities come in that have her name on them and need to get changed over.  It's been a good week.

I've been feeling the kitchen calling me this week, and tonight I decided I would craft a proper meal for myself.  These country-style pork ribs I had in the freezer got pressure-braised in my newest cauldron (an Instant Pot), in my special Witches' Brew (which might or might not include a splash of Scotch), and I made mashed potatoes and green beans.  I have to say, as many restaurants as I have been taking myself out to, this is probably the most delicious thing I've had in a couple of weeks.  It makes me remember how much I love to cook and how much I love my own cooking.

I think my concern for the immediate future is that once I am finished with the administrative stuff, the emptiness is going to start feeling big.  It's like I've said to a couple of people recently:  When I was with Jo, she was my life, and the things like This Job were the means to the end, and it was fine.  Now it feels like the main thing I have is This Job, and I say with some conviction that this can't be my life, there needs to be more meaning than that.

I was talking along these lines this morning with a Wind spirit (who knows who she is) and predictably, she suggested I throw caution, well, to the Wind, and go charging after my dreams.  She's probably mostly right, although I will obviously have to do it my way and plan everything in exacting fashion.  A river doesn't change its course quite as easily as a gust of Wind.  But then, there are few things in the world as inexorable as the flow of Water toward the sea.  I will get to where I need to be.  I just have to decide for sure where that is.

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