I think I might need to just accept that I have issues with agoraphobia. Specifically, the kind that triggers on being in a crowded space, whether or not the space in question is especially 'open' or not. (Though I do notice, with a true "wide open space" like a parking lot, even an empty one, I compulsively check behind myself a lot.)
I write about this now, because I gave myself another panic attack this weekend. I made a commitment (and even re-confirmed it) which set me up to not feel able to leave, in a space that got way too crowded. I even tried to make the space feel less crowded by adding more tables and seats, but those filled up too. So I retreated to a smaller area, which also got crowded and hectic, and then I started feeling dizzy and short of breath, and had to go outside and sit in the woods until it passed. I did go back in and try to help a little to finish up, but after going home, I spent the rest of the day feeling too exhausted to even sit around playing video games, and barely found energy to make myself something for dinner.
If I'm honest, I've always had an aversion to crowds; I've never really been up for sporting events or fairs or that sort of thing. (The fair always sounds like fun, but if I go, the crowd always gets to me.) Even shopping is only really enjoyable if I go when the stores aren't very busy. And I think two is the perfect number for a social engagement; the larger the number, the more I end up staying in my shell for the most part.
It's only been this problematic with real panic attacks recently, though; I'm guessing it's because now I have grief overlaid onto it.
Last night while I was trying to work up the notion to get up out of the recliner and get ready for bed, I watched some funny dog videos on my tablet, that came up on Facebook. It made me laugh harder than it had any right to, and somewhere in the middle of it, the giggles turned into a huge wailing sobbing fit of grief that caught me completely by surprise, and left me wondering, "Where did that come from?" It made me feel about half crazy.
I don't know, maybe I am.
