Vampires and Parasites

I feel like I want to stop short of saying "I hate people," so I will just say that I am sometimes reminded that the human species is, by far, the world's most vicious, intelligent, and voracious predator.

I got a personal-looking letter in the mail today (the day before my wife's inurnment service).  I couldn't quite place who the sender was but the name didn't seem totally unfamiliar; I imagined it could be a friend-of-family-friend sort of person.  So, I opened it.

Inside was a form letter that never mentioned me or Jo by name at all, superimposed on a faint picture of some puppies:

"First and most importantly, may I offer my condolences on the passing of your loved one.  I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
The reason I am contacting you is I understand there may be a house available for purchase.  If there is real estate that needs to be sold, I may be able to help.  Please note that I am not a realtor and do not wish to list the property.  I would like to BUY the property.  I understand that losing a loved one is very difficult and the property being sold may not be a priority for the family but taking care of this now will save the estate time and extra estate/sale fees.
I am able to pay cash, settle without contingencies, and close as quickly as you'd like.  I buy the house "as is" so you don't have to worry about repairs or updates.  You can leave unwanted items in the house and you don't even need to clean.
I am available to discuss the details with you and would also be interested in purchasing other items in the home.  If what I do seems like it may help you, please call me at [666-VUL-TURE]."

Firstly, I find myself feeling sorrow for all the people who are too desperate, and too bereaved, not to just be offended by this--who reply and sign up to be, presumably, taken advantage of.  There must be a lot of them, if this can be what she does for a living.
I think it would be less offensive if the letter were businesslike and the name of her home-flipping corporation were on the outside, instead of all this handwritten-envelope and hazy-puppies stuff.  I don't know this person.  Although I do know her kind--a Belmont knows a vampire when she encounters one.

And then, there's just a part of me that is feeling like, you know, it is hard enough to try to push back against the darkness right now, when my star is feeling further away than ever; and then there's this letter that I think might be sympathy from someone who cared about her, but no, it's just a letter from a parasite.
It's like if you were drowning, and then there's a ship, and you think the person on board is throwing you a life preserver, but then they throw you a shark instead.

I won't say I hate people.  But I do hate vampires and parasites.

Adrift

Today, right about now, marks one calendar month since Jo passed away.  Right about now, it is also almost exactly one lunar month since I stood underneath a waxing moon and asked the Goddess of the Moon to watch over her spirit and keep her safe until my spirit can join her.

I feel like, in a lot of ways, I'm not doing as well now as I was then.  Maybe that's not fair to say, since on that night there was a lot of shock and a lot of people around, and other than a miserable drive home after receiving the call from the police, I had had very little chance to feel anything yet.
It really does feel like it is getting harder and not easier, though.  This week was really difficult; the work trip felt all wrong, because there would always be lots of texts and emails and phone calls when we were separated, and this time there wasn't.  Coming home to an empty house on Saturday felt really bad.  Then the internet was down all weekend, which took away my primary sources of communication and entertainment, so mainly, I just sat around and cried a lot.  That might actually surprise people, since I seem not to do that very much when I'm not alone; honestly, I'm not nearly as strong as I probably come across in person.

I really need to figure out what it is I still have left, besides work; I feel like I've lost my connection to basically everything.  Our game doesn't feel right without her; I think I'm feeling committed to seeing the end of the current story arc, but if I haven't re-connected to it in the meantime I will probably need to let it go.  Even cooking is hard; the actual preparing of the food still feels okay, but eating alone without her makes it tough.
Worst, I feel like my spiritual connection has been damaged; I am having trouble finding a connection to the other side right now.  This is especially bad since that is where she is at the moment, and if I could have that back maybe she wouldn't feel so far away, maybe it wouldn't feel so empty to talk to her.
I'm telling myself that it is probably just the grief that is blocking all those things, and with time I will find my way again.  It will probably have to be a new way, since I had intertwined my way with hers so completely, but I will find it eventually.  Maybe a month is really just not that long when it comes to these things.

One thing I have noticed about myself, which is probably not doing me any favors, is that the worse I am feeling, the harder it is for me to actually reach out to someone.  I guess that is something that Jo and I had in common, that wish to never be a burden for anyone.  I don't do it on purpose, it is just hard.  Like, even if I decide who it is I would want to talk to, I never seem to get past the part where I figure out what I would say if I called.  I guess until I figure that part out, writing will help; I can get some stuff out, and nobody has to be obligated--'burdened'--to respond.

On Second Sight

The more I think on things, the more I convince myself that she knew it was her time.

In our relationship, while I was the Healer, she was definitely the Seer.  Despite not going quite as far as identifying as Pagan with me (she would always shun the label, and just say that she was "spiritual" and not "religious"), and despite that I was the one who would read Tarot for us (or at least try to), I realized early on in our life together that her Second Sight was much more keen than mine.

I learned to trust her feelings on timing, like when to leave for work:  She would occasionally pressure me to leave for work very early, like over 30 minutes earlier than I would usually need to.  I would do it, and without fail there would be some sort of traffic snarl that usually hadn't even happened yet when she got her 'feeling', and I would be the only one to get there on time.
I learned to trust her feelings on the weather; sometimes she would make me carry an umbrella to walk the dog, even though the sun was shining, only for there to be an unforecasted rain shower while I was out.
She always just knew.  She would be apologetic, saying she knew she was just being weird, but she just had a feeling and better to be safe than sorry.

So then, when I think on our life together, I think of how, about three years ago, she suddenly became insistent that we needed to be married right away, and she needed to get copies of her birth certificate and her military discharge papers.  She started talking about how we should get to an attorney so we could make wills, which unfortunately we never did.
And it seems like it was also along about that time where she started always wanting to make sure we had as much time together as we could possibly have.  When I was planning a shopping trip, she would ask if there was anything I had to get that day, or if I could wait and just stay home with her.  If I started cleaning the house, she would tell me I could do that stuff later, and she wanted me to come sit with her instead of working.  She even stopped wanting to sleep in in the mornings even though her insomnia during the night was as bad as ever; she wanted to get up so I would come out and be with her.  She wanted every last moment she could have, as if she knew there weren't going to be enough of them.

And if it were true that she had a premonition and knew her time was near, I think she would have acted exactly the way she did.  I think she wouldn't have told me, because she would know that would change things; she wouldn't have wanted me to put her in a hospital to try to save her, because that would mean less time at home together, and she would have wanted me to be happy; maybe she even had a 'feeling' it wouldn't change anything.  She wouldn't have wanted me to be upset during the small amount of time we had, she would have wanted us to be happy together as long as she was here, and have as many happy moments as we could possibly have.  And that is what happened.

In a way, it is kind of a comfort.  It means I don't have to keep beating myself up over all the things I might have neglected, or all the things I could have, should have done.  Because if I think she knew, and if I think she faced it exactly the way she wanted to, then how can I tell myself I should have taken that away from her?

Waves

I was told at the beginning of this that the emotions would come in waves.  I think today must have been a high tide.  I don't think I'm functioning as well today as I was yesterday; I don't know if that's because I didn't have to, with it being a day off, or what.

Even though I went out this morning, I'm feeling kind of isolated now.  Strangely, that seems to make it harder to actually reach out to someone.  I think it's the dark side of being the healer, in a way; it is so easy to make connections when it seems someone needs me, and so, so difficult to request a connection when it feels like I need...

Need what?  I guess that's part of the problem, I don't think I know.  I feel like if I did connect, I might still be all mopey, and then I'd get "oh, so sorry for your loss" and all that stuff that people say when there's nothing they can say, and it wouldn't make me feel any better, and all I would be is a burden dragging people down.
I just feel like I'm adrift with no sails today.  And even if I had an oar, I wouldn't know which direction to row.

While I was working on writing, I got a delivery of flowers; it is a sympathy basket from my work 'family.'  I am blessed to work for and with good people.  I think it must have made me feel good; although, I think that today I am just so flooded with emotions that all I really know is that it added more emotions on top.  The kitchen table is starting to become a nice altar for her.  I do need to figure out somewhere else for the flowers to go though, so I can actually use it for a table again.

I also finally built myself up to actually using the picture hangers that I bought over the weekend, and I hung up the two larger pictures of Joanne that I have.  One is above her chair, and the other is in the bedroom over our bed.  I do like that.

I guess I should feel fortunate that I have the time to just spend a day being 'down' now.  I can't help but feel like there are a bunch of things I should be doing, but I can't think of any of them I can actually do yet.  Soon, that won't be the case, and I will need to be strong.  Until then, maybe I should just go easy on myself.

Eternal

Toward the end of the week Joanne spent with me in Missouri, we lit this lamp.  The interesting thing about this lamp is that I can refill the oil without extinguishing the flame, and it will burn for well over a day with a full reservoir.  I kept the flame that we lit together as an Eternal Flame for the six months or so we were apart, only extinguishing it when it was time to pack the lamp into the U-Haul as I was leaving to go meet her at the Kansas City airport to begin our journey toward our life together.

Tonight, I lit this Eternal Flame for her.  Hopefully, it will be extinguished only when I leave to go meet her again.

I do understand I won't always be here to tend it, which is why I need to make a tall wax candle before I leave for my upcoming business trip; I think I can make a pillar that should last the 72 hours I will be gone.  I'm going to get some wooden lighting sticks to use for moving the flame out of the lamp and onto a candle.  Realistically, the lamp will need to be cleaned a few times a year, and the wick will eventually need replacing, so being able to transfer the Flame to a different lamp or candle temporarily will be a good idea anyway.

It feels good to me, it feels right.  It is helping me feel close to her.  I guess that is what the ritual of tending the flame is really about.

Gone but Never Forgotten; Rage Cooking

A week and two days ago, my amazing wife, whom I loved love more completely than I had thought possible, left the mortal world and crossed to the other side.  We had six years here together, which wouldn't have felt long enough if it had been sixty.

We never did have our first fight, the one everyone warned us about.  I guess we'll never know how we'll handle it now.

You have my heart with you, Jo.  And I wouldn't want it to be anywhere else.

I spent the first week or so being pretty numb; I can't say I even remember the first few days except for bits of the meeting with the funeral director.  Work the later half of the week was a blur too.

On Saturday, I heard back from the funeral director since I had inquired about the death certificate; she let me know that the hold-up was that her physician hasn't addressed it yet--even though I had personally called his office on Tuesday to let him know it was coming.

I got furious.  Like, smash-a-cleaver-into-the-back-of-his-head furious.  I resolved I would go there in person on Monday (today) and get it taken care of 'or else'.  And for the rest of the day, and the night, I really couldn't stop being enraged about it.  My soul felt blackened.

Then yesterday morning, something changed, and I couldn't bottle the rage anymore, so I started the oven, and I cooked all day.  I don't even think it was a conscious decision.  I baked Morning Glory Muffins.  I baked a loaf of rye bread.  I roasted a chicken and some asparagus.  I poured all of that angry, Fiery energy into the hearth, and at the end, I felt peaceful again, if still grieving.  (Also pleasantly full.)  It was cathartic.  Maybe this is at the heart of what it really means to be a Kitchen Witch.

"But wait," you must be thinking.  "You cooked with angry energy? What happened to 'cooking with intent?' You said you were feeling murderous! Didn't you just make a bunch of cursed food then??"

Maybe you weren't thinking that.  But I struggled with it.  I'd been struggling with it, all week--how am I ever going to cook again, if I'm not cooking for her?

And I think, this is what I finally realized, while I was figuring out what to do with a white-hot bottle of rage.  The anger doesn't have to be anger, it's an aspect of something else--all the anger was really just protectiveness of Jo, no different than if someone had blown her off for a week while she were living, except magnified by the grief.  And the protectiveness is also an aspect of something else; it is an aspect of my love for her.

So, once simmered down into its pure form, it is really my love for Jo that is cooked into the food.

I like this, because I am realizing that this is how I can go on.  I can still cook for her, even if I share the food with someone else, or no-one else.  My undying love for her will be Crafted into every dish I make.

A Resolution we can Sink our Teeth Into

So we've greeted another year; holidays were a bit hectic with lots of overtime for work; we ended up not doing a large Yule celebration this year, but we made up for it at secular New Year with my first from-scratch Prime Rib Roast.  It was very good and it is now very gone.

Jo and I were pretty firm in our opinion that we didn't want to do any New Year's Resolutions this year; in fact, we had some conversations a few weeks back about how it seems that the whole world seems to have dismissed the whole New Year Resolution tradition as a laughable cliché.  The morning "news" shows seemed to make a joke of the whole thing this year, and even old standbys like cooking publications, who usually have "Light" recipes in January, seem to be skipping it:  Both Serious Eats and Food Network Magazine are headlining "Comfort Food" instead this year.

Speaking of Food Network Magazine and comfort food, though, I was going through the January issues I have to look for dinner ideas, and I found a "Fun Cooking" feature for "A Year's Worth of Chocolate" in the 2015 issue.  So I've ended up making a resolution after all, as a gift to my sweetie who loves chocolate and wishes I would make more desserts:  I've made a commitment to make all twelve recipes this year, one per Full Moon (less the Blue Moon that we will have this summer).  Last night was our Quickening Moon, so today on my day off I spent the afternoon making recipe #1, this Chocolate Blackout Cake with Chocolate Crunch (aka the Weapon of Mass Consumption).  It didn't turn out completely picture-perfect (the top layer crumbled as I was trying to assemble the cake), but it seemed to be a hit with the recipient of honor.

Of course, we couldn't shouldn't make a Full Moon dinner out of just a chocolate cake, but since I only have the one day off, I decided on something simple but homey for the main course, so we had this roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and asparagus.  This was actually a hit with the recipient of honor as well, she told me it reminded her very much of the Sunday dinners that her father would make, so the roast chicken might be something I can make more often too--it even does a good job of helping to fill the stock-bones bag in the freezer, so it will help me make sure I don't have to use store-bought broth (blech) anymore.

So overall, our Moon was filled with blessings, and we are looking forward to next week when I actually have a good stretch of time off that coincides with the Imbolc (Bridghid) holiday.  I've already picked out recipes for that as well, but that will be a story for the near future.